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4am. It seems to be my new wake up time. The dog wakes up around this time and needs to be let out to use the restroom. The problem is that she doesn't go back to sleep afterward. So then I am up.
I have been experimenting with taking her for walks multiple times a day. This self-quarantine life is interesting. I have found myself oddly stressed out. It isn't because of the quarantine as much as it is actually about how much work it has created for me at my job. It's fine though because that seems to have slowed down a little bit.
Now that I am on the other side of the initial increase in workload, I am trying to see this time for what it is. It is a time of rebirth and renewal. It's almost appropriate that this has all come to be right at the beginning of Spring. This is not a "vacation" or a "sabbatical" as I had always imagined would reset my mind, but it's probably the closest and most "reasonable" time away from expectation that I may get. Reasonable meaning that obviously, my obligations will still be here and everpresent through the whole damn thing; it was always unreasonable for me to imagine otherwise.
I think self-reflection will be important during this time period. I mean, it always is, but I think to get the full benefit of being sequestered, I am really going to have to access my introspective side. One of the things I am really questioning is how I shy away from intense emotions. I don't listen to music as much as I used to when I was younger, I can't tolerate serious subject matter in films, and I tend to be avoidant of these things... especially right before bed. And yet, I find myself frustrated that I struggle to access to my emotional side (which used to come so easily as a child). I intentional numb myself. I don't know what I am afraid of. I think it may be time to get back to feeling all of the feelings. I miss feeling all of the feelings. I am obviously still in here (as my enneagram has taught me).
Right now, I am trying to figure out what scares me the most right now? And then, once I know the answer, I am going to do it. Last night what was scaring me was, right before bed, a pull to listen to Lana Del Rey. The idea scared me. I didn't want to feel the feelings. Most of them are negative. Obviously, that might be the easiest thing for me to do right now, but I can't tell if it would be as beneficial right now as it would have been in the moment I feared it last night. I'm awake now, not going to bed for the night. I don't feel fear toward Lana. I feel ambivalence and even a little bit of envy. I mean, maybe that is worth working with as much as fear is. I do know that music is the answer to the question, regardless of the artist though. I guess I could just open Spotify and see where it takes me.
I have been experimenting with taking her for walks multiple times a day. This self-quarantine life is interesting. I have found myself oddly stressed out. It isn't because of the quarantine as much as it is actually about how much work it has created for me at my job. It's fine though because that seems to have slowed down a little bit.
Now that I am on the other side of the initial increase in workload, I am trying to see this time for what it is. It is a time of rebirth and renewal. It's almost appropriate that this has all come to be right at the beginning of Spring. This is not a "vacation" or a "sabbatical" as I had always imagined would reset my mind, but it's probably the closest and most "reasonable" time away from expectation that I may get. Reasonable meaning that obviously, my obligations will still be here and everpresent through the whole damn thing; it was always unreasonable for me to imagine otherwise.
I think self-reflection will be important during this time period. I mean, it always is, but I think to get the full benefit of being sequestered, I am really going to have to access my introspective side. One of the things I am really questioning is how I shy away from intense emotions. I don't listen to music as much as I used to when I was younger, I can't tolerate serious subject matter in films, and I tend to be avoidant of these things... especially right before bed. And yet, I find myself frustrated that I struggle to access to my emotional side (which used to come so easily as a child). I intentional numb myself. I don't know what I am afraid of. I think it may be time to get back to feeling all of the feelings. I miss feeling all of the feelings. I am obviously still in here (as my enneagram has taught me).
Right now, I am trying to figure out what scares me the most right now? And then, once I know the answer, I am going to do it. Last night what was scaring me was, right before bed, a pull to listen to Lana Del Rey. The idea scared me. I didn't want to feel the feelings. Most of them are negative. Obviously, that might be the easiest thing for me to do right now, but I can't tell if it would be as beneficial right now as it would have been in the moment I feared it last night. I'm awake now, not going to bed for the night. I don't feel fear toward Lana. I feel ambivalence and even a little bit of envy. I mean, maybe that is worth working with as much as fear is. I do know that music is the answer to the question, regardless of the artist though. I guess I could just open Spotify and see where it takes me.
