RuinousRapture's Journal

I'm cut wide open today. 
I am raw. 

I just want to listen to music that allows me to sit in these feelings and process. I have nothing specific in mind, just slow, mellow, intense in its subtlety. But I am accosted by straight white men in popular music whining about their mediocrity as if it is sincere or special. 

On another note, I can't stand Morrissey. His music are incel ballads that justify a man's entitlement over women. Fuck Morrissey. 

Yesterday, I started experimenting with a treatment for my anxiety that seemed to work fairly decently. I feel very well-rested today and motivated to take care of things around the house. I don't know if it is just one of my upswings or if what I did yesterday worked. I am kind of waiting to finish the rest of my coffee before doing it again. Also, I am trying to decide if I should do it again or if I should wait to see how I feel. 

I do know that even though I feel motivated and in a decent mood, that I feel a bit of stress in the back of my mind. Hyper-vigilance. That is what it feels like. Like I have to jump at the ready any moment.  

I kind of want to experiment with a quick-cook method for bacon right now, but I am not particularly hungry. It's annoying because I am motivated to do it right now, but I don't want to make food I am not ready to eat yet. 

I just took a moment to check the weather to see if today would be a good day to take Vivi for another run (it rained yesterday), and it looks like the wind plans on being an asshole today. Windy, but at least it will be sunny. She went to the groomer yesterday and she smells so nice. I don't want to get her all wet and gross. 

I thought I had something more insightful to say, but I guess I don't. 

Cheers to a somewhat decent morning! Let's hope the rest of the day keeps on this trajectory! 

This morning, I took Vivi outside to potty, and some weirdo lady stopped at the other side of my fence to stare at us. Then she started doing that fake fucking cough to get me to turn around and give her my attention. Fuck you, lady. If you want my attention say," Hello!" or something. She did it like, three times, and I pretended not to hear her. She eventually decided to continue on her walk. What the fuck? 

I have no idea what she could have wanted from me, but here we are. Maybe I am just grouchy because I need to eat something, but ugh. Manipulative people piss me off.  Take your passive aggressive bullshit and shove it up your ass. Don't fucking fake cough at me. 

4am. It seems to be my new wake up time. The dog wakes up around this time and needs to be let out to use the restroom. The problem is that she doesn't go back to sleep afterward. So then I am up. 

I have been experimenting with taking her for walks multiple times a day. This self-quarantine life is interesting. I have found myself oddly stressed out. It isn't because of the quarantine as much as it is actually about how much work it has created for me at my job. It's fine though because that seems to have slowed down a little bit. 

Now that I am on the other side of the initial increase in workload, I am trying to see this time for what it is. It is a time of rebirth and renewal. It's almost appropriate that this has all come to be right at the beginning of Spring. This is not a "vacation" or a "sabbatical" as I had always imagined would reset my mind, but it's probably the closest and most "reasonable" time away from expectation that I may get. Reasonable meaning that obviously, my obligations will still be here and everpresent through the whole damn thing; it was always unreasonable for me to imagine otherwise. 

I think self-reflection will be important during this time period. I mean, it always is, but I think to get the full benefit of being sequestered, I am really going to have to access my introspective side. One of the things I am really questioning is how I shy away from intense emotions. I don't listen to music as much as I used to when I was younger, I can't tolerate serious subject matter in films, and I tend to be avoidant of these things... especially right before bed. And yet, I find myself frustrated that I struggle to access to my emotional side (which used to come so easily as a child). I intentional numb myself. I don't know what I am afraid of. I think it may be time to get back to feeling all of the feelings. I miss feeling all of the feelings. I am obviously still in here (as my enneagram has taught me). 

Right now, I am trying to figure out what scares me the most right now? And then, once I know the answer, I am going to do it. Last night what was scaring me was, right before bed, a pull to listen to Lana Del Rey. The idea scared me. I didn't want to feel the feelings. Most of them are negative. Obviously, that might be the easiest thing for me to do right now, but I can't tell if it would be as beneficial right now as it would have been in the moment I feared it last night. I'm awake now, not going to bed for the night. I don't feel fear toward Lana. I feel ambivalence and even a little bit of envy. I mean, maybe that is worth working with as much as fear is. I do know that music is the answer to the question, regardless of the artist though. I guess I could just open Spotify and see where it takes me.  

Yep. I am at work and I just finished my coffee. There is more coffee here, but the creamer is garbage and it makes my stomach hurt.

I am feeling restless, but overall positive this morning. I am really in the mood to listen to some music, but I can't handle putting my headphones on just yet. I have so much frenetic energy, that sitting still feels challenging. 

Fuck, I want to go home and paint. I want to read more of the book I am currently reading. I want to practice the piano and sing and I want to go for a run. 

Why does this always happen when I am stuck at work? 

I also need to piss.  

I am an enneagram 4.

That probably means nothing to anyone. Okay, maybe it means something to a few. Whatever the case may be, I saw a post on Instagram and it got me thinking.

The image was for Enneagram 4's and it said," You can't pour from an empty cup." Under that was a cup with different layers. The list was as follows:

- Being unapologetically true to yourself
- Having alone time (with music)
- Having deep conversations
- Spending time in nature
- Ambiance

The suggestion being that these are things that fill an 4's cup. And I believe it is true. So I spent some time yesterday doing some automatic drawing. And then I thought about how I used to write, and that was also automatic. And how I used to just do things "automatically", not really thinking too much about what I was doing. Then I thought about how I feel shame and guilt for almost everything I do when I live that way. And how feeling that remorse is not being unapologetically true to myself.

So I got comfortable on the couch with a beer, my ipad, some music, candles, and turned the fucking lights off. And I drew. And I didn't think about what I was drawing. I just let whatever was going to happen happen.

So I am going to experiment with this idea. I am going to try and create art that is fully driven by the moment. Being present and doing it as it comes. This includes writing.

So what does that mean for this journal entry. Well, it might end soon, or it might be long as fuck. I remember back in the long long ago, my journal entries used to be tomes of my emotions, and I wrote each sentence as they came to me. I didn't think about the next thing I was going to say or why I was going to say it. For those reading these entries, I probably seemed like a rambling madwoman. Or maybe even a bit pretentious. To be honest, I probably am and was being pretentious. I can't help the way sentences form in my head though. I'm not purposely composing them in such ways. That is just what naturally comes out. I blame reading. My sentence formation becomes particularly insufferable the more recent I have read a book.

I need to pee, but I am not interested in leaving my desk. Fuck it, I guess I will go do that now. Alright, I am back.

You know what's interesting about this particular type of journaling? It is 100% about being present. And I used to do it all the fucking time! I came by the practice naturally. Almost like it was a survival skill that I had to learn through all of the trauma and neglect.

I had a dream that someone got my guitar re-stringed for me. I don't remember who or why. I just remember being grateful because it was removing an obstacle for me. I would go and get that done, but I am in the middle of learning piano and voice. I have to be honest, there is so much that I want to do and accomplish, but there is only so much time in a day... So I have to pick and choose. As much as I want to get back to learning guitar, I think I need to stick the piano until I can move on. Eventually though.

I am hungry, but I don't want to heat up my breakfast burrito. I just want to sit here with my coffee, my music, and write. I think I used to do this until I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. Any time I started to feel the stress or anxiety mount, I would go back to writing about nothing.

I want to take the rest of the day/week off of work. I feel like there is some self-restorative bullshit I need to do in order to get back into a clear and calm mental state (if I was ever in one to begin with). It really fucking sucks that I kind of know what it is I need, but then when I get the opportunity to do it, I waste it. I don't do what it is I know I want/need. And it is always anxiety that drives that immobility. Because that is what it is. It is a stupid paralysis that prevents me from taking the actions I know I should take for my own sanity.

I wonder if I should look through my old poetry and try to self-publish a book? I mean, I have my doubts that anyone would want to read it. But maybe it is good? I don't even know.

I feel like if I did something like that, I would have to include illustrations... and none of what I do matches the tone of what I have written. Mostly because I don't think I know what I am doing art-wise. I honestly don't know if I should continue writing or if I should call it here. I am not really saying anything. Just trying to be with my thoughts as they come. Did I ever go back and read what I wrote? I don't remember.

I hate that I feel like there has to be some portal to connection in one of my browser tabs, but I can't seem to find it. Like I know it exists somewhere on the internet, but it definitely isn't on Facebook or instagram. And it certainly didn't follow me here. It's a shame really. I wish more of my friends had actually come along. It doesn't help that it makes me feel like I am truly alone. There has to be others though, right? I'm not fucking special. There must be others.

Something has to give.

I did a thing. 

 

And also another thing:

I know I haven't posted in a while. I have been a bit distracted lately. 

My biggest problem is that I am constantly anxious. I don't know if there is ever a moment where I truly feel relaxed. It has been really stressful lately because I have been trying to still my mind a bit so I can focus on things, and it is really hard for me. I have been trying to consume slightly more intellectual materials than what I normally get into, and I find that I have a hard time understanding the content. Sometimes I question whether or not that is because I am stupid. But then I realize that it is 100394024294242347982489239% that I am just constantly anxious and overwhelmed. As a result, my mind can't fixate on what is happening in front of me. I am not sure how to fix this problem, but I am going to try. 

So, with that said, I joined this book club. And there are assignments. And maybe I will post the content of the assignments here, or maybe I won't. I haven't truly decided what I would prefer to do with this whole thing. But for now, this is what I have in mind. 

I did think about it as I was writing it out and I realized that in posting the entirety of the assignments here, I would be betraying the group in that I would inadvertently give away materials for which the rest of the group paid. So, with that said, I guess I will share only a section of my first assignment. 

I really thought I had something insightful for today. I recall, as I was lying in bed, getting ready to fall asleep, that I had some "revelations" of sorts about my brain and why I feel stuck, and what I need to do and... well... I remember fucking none of it. So, that's pretty cool. 

I really need to figure out how the shit I am going to spend my energy today. The most profound thing my runes told me this week was that what I am seeking is currently unknowable, that I control it to an extent, and truthfully, that I probably need to focus my attention more towards a specific goal rather than this nebulous concept I am reaching toward. The problem is that I feel like sharpening that focus is almost impossible. I don't know who I am going to be from day-to-day. I don't know how my desires and goals are going to shift and change. And I don't mean that in a way that suggests that growing on top of one goal is a natural pattern. I mean that I tend to take very sharp left turns in the middle of a path because of growth. And trying to identify the constant in that is really hard. What is the thread that connects all of those things so that I can focus on building whatever it is I need to build and fulfill whatever my "purpose" is? 

I think the idea of a purpose is funny, too. Like, do we really have a purpose? I almost feel like my purpose is just to feel fulfillment in whatever form that may take. Maybe it is visual art, maybe it is making music, or sculpting. Sure, I guess I could say that some form of creativity is clearly what brings me that satisfied feeling I am seeking, but it is going to take a lot of convincing myself if anyone was going to suggest that was unique to me. Not that I am that fucking special. I just mean that there is clearly something that I feel that I am meant to do, that only I can bring to the table, and I don't know what the hell that is. I suppose that my voice in itself is unique, because no one else is me. And while there may be likeminded people, we are not 100% the same. So maybe what I bring to the table isn't as complicated as I am making it out to be in my head. Also, maybe my biggest problem is that I am overthinking the whole damn thing. 

Whatever the hell it is I am trying to say right now... I guess I will finish my coffee and get on with my day. 

This sucks butts! 

My stomach is soOoOO upset and I have a gnarly headache. This sucks because I desperately want to go for a run. I have this relay race I am doing in like a week where I think I am going to be running about 7ish miles. Maybe 9. I haven't been training. Mostly because my body is being a fuck about it all. I am eating something light and settling into my evening before changing. I am determined to get this done tonight. Even if I am not feeling up to doing it. 

I missed out on the first day of Drawlloween yesterday. I am probably not doing today's prompt either. I am in the middle of working on a drawing and I don't want to divert my attention to another set of drawings. Namely because I am focused right now, and I feel like jumping into Drawlloween right now would be distracting and restricting in that it would feel like an obligation rather than an exercise in self-improvement.

It's hard to differentiate between those things sometimes. Like, how do I tell the difference between," I don't wanna!!!" and," This is going to hurt more than it will help right now..."? I can't really explain it, but my gut is telling me that this isn't me being a brat, but more that I am trying to maintain a different kind of rhythm and pace than something like Drawlloween is at. 

I am working from home for the remainder of this week. The dog comes home on Saturday and I have done nothing to dog-proof our home. Shame on me. 

Okay, I am going to chow down on the rest of my snack, sip on this seltzer water and then change. I can do this thing and it is going to be great!