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I really thought I had something insightful for today. I recall, as I was lying in bed, getting ready to fall asleep, that I had some "revelations" of sorts about my brain and why I feel stuck, and what I need to do and... well... I remember fucking none of it. So, that's pretty cool.
I really need to figure out how the shit I am going to spend my energy today. The most profound thing my runes told me this week was that what I am seeking is currently unknowable, that I control it to an extent, and truthfully, that I probably need to focus my attention more towards a specific goal rather than this nebulous concept I am reaching toward. The problem is that I feel like sharpening that focus is almost impossible. I don't know who I am going to be from day-to-day. I don't know how my desires and goals are going to shift and change. And I don't mean that in a way that suggests that growing on top of one goal is a natural pattern. I mean that I tend to take very sharp left turns in the middle of a path because of growth. And trying to identify the constant in that is really hard. What is the thread that connects all of those things so that I can focus on building whatever it is I need to build and fulfill whatever my "purpose" is?
I think the idea of a purpose is funny, too. Like, do we really have a purpose? I almost feel like my purpose is just to feel fulfillment in whatever form that may take. Maybe it is visual art, maybe it is making music, or sculpting. Sure, I guess I could say that some form of creativity is clearly what brings me that satisfied feeling I am seeking, but it is going to take a lot of convincing myself if anyone was going to suggest that was unique to me. Not that I am that fucking special. I just mean that there is clearly something that I feel that I am meant to do, that only I can bring to the table, and I don't know what the hell that is. I suppose that my voice in itself is unique, because no one else is me. And while there may be likeminded people, we are not 100% the same. So maybe what I bring to the table isn't as complicated as I am making it out to be in my head. Also, maybe my biggest problem is that I am overthinking the whole damn thing.
Whatever the hell it is I am trying to say right now... I guess I will finish my coffee and get on with my day.
I really need to figure out how the shit I am going to spend my energy today. The most profound thing my runes told me this week was that what I am seeking is currently unknowable, that I control it to an extent, and truthfully, that I probably need to focus my attention more towards a specific goal rather than this nebulous concept I am reaching toward. The problem is that I feel like sharpening that focus is almost impossible. I don't know who I am going to be from day-to-day. I don't know how my desires and goals are going to shift and change. And I don't mean that in a way that suggests that growing on top of one goal is a natural pattern. I mean that I tend to take very sharp left turns in the middle of a path because of growth. And trying to identify the constant in that is really hard. What is the thread that connects all of those things so that I can focus on building whatever it is I need to build and fulfill whatever my "purpose" is?
I think the idea of a purpose is funny, too. Like, do we really have a purpose? I almost feel like my purpose is just to feel fulfillment in whatever form that may take. Maybe it is visual art, maybe it is making music, or sculpting. Sure, I guess I could say that some form of creativity is clearly what brings me that satisfied feeling I am seeking, but it is going to take a lot of convincing myself if anyone was going to suggest that was unique to me. Not that I am that fucking special. I just mean that there is clearly something that I feel that I am meant to do, that only I can bring to the table, and I don't know what the hell that is. I suppose that my voice in itself is unique, because no one else is me. And while there may be likeminded people, we are not 100% the same. So maybe what I bring to the table isn't as complicated as I am making it out to be in my head. Also, maybe my biggest problem is that I am overthinking the whole damn thing.
Whatever the hell it is I am trying to say right now... I guess I will finish my coffee and get on with my day.
