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I know I haven't posted in a while. I have been a bit distracted lately.
My biggest problem is that I am constantly anxious. I don't know if there is ever a moment where I truly feel relaxed. It has been really stressful lately because I have been trying to still my mind a bit so I can focus on things, and it is really hard for me. I have been trying to consume slightly more intellectual materials than what I normally get into, and I find that I have a hard time understanding the content. Sometimes I question whether or not that is because I am stupid. But then I realize that it is 100394024294242347982489239% that I am just constantly anxious and overwhelmed. As a result, my mind can't fixate on what is happening in front of me. I am not sure how to fix this problem, but I am going to try.
So, with that said, I joined this book club. And there are assignments. And maybe I will post the content of the assignments here, or maybe I won't. I haven't truly decided what I would prefer to do with this whole thing. But for now, this is what I have in mind.
I did think about it as I was writing it out and I realized that in posting the entirety of the assignments here, I would be betraying the group in that I would inadvertently give away materials for which the rest of the group paid. So, with that said, I guess I will share only a section of my first assignment.
Now, I don't mean any of this to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. Like I said, this is really objective for me. These are truths that I have been thinking but haven't really put down in writing or voiced aloud. I am not sad and mopey. If anything, I am frustrated. Annoyed even. Like, I know I am capable of more, but I can't find the right combination. I know it is there though. If anything, a lot of the stuff I just said about my impressions of me really have an underlying tone of hope. I am hopeful. I believe there is a way out of the slog, I just haven't found it yet. And I believe there is a lot of potential there, I just don't know what the realization of that potential is going to look like or even when it will come into being.
My biggest problem is that I am constantly anxious. I don't know if there is ever a moment where I truly feel relaxed. It has been really stressful lately because I have been trying to still my mind a bit so I can focus on things, and it is really hard for me. I have been trying to consume slightly more intellectual materials than what I normally get into, and I find that I have a hard time understanding the content. Sometimes I question whether or not that is because I am stupid. But then I realize that it is 100394024294242347982489239% that I am just constantly anxious and overwhelmed. As a result, my mind can't fixate on what is happening in front of me. I am not sure how to fix this problem, but I am going to try.
So, with that said, I joined this book club. And there are assignments. And maybe I will post the content of the assignments here, or maybe I won't. I haven't truly decided what I would prefer to do with this whole thing. But for now, this is what I have in mind.
I did think about it as I was writing it out and I realized that in posting the entirety of the assignments here, I would be betraying the group in that I would inadvertently give away materials for which the rest of the group paid. So, with that said, I guess I will share only a section of my first assignment.
Me... My impressions of me. Hah! And here is where the flow gets stuck. I honestly don't know what my impressions of me are. What pops in my head are things like, alien, stuck/trapped, and fighter. I feel like I am weird. I feel like I am angry and like I constantly have to prove who I am and my right to take up space. But I also feel tired and like it isn't worth the effort; not for fear of confrontation, I will do confrontation all day every day, but because it often proves to not be worth the effort I put in. I will "fight" (most of the time figuratively) to push my way into a circle, and the circle will turn out to be something I barely want to be a part of. Lately, my impression of me has been that I have unresolved traumatic stress and it causes me a lot of difficulty in understanding higher-level materials. I feel out of touch with myself and I find it difficult to be motivated to do the things I need to be able to do because I am constantly anxious, annoyed, restless, and indecisive. I feel like I am a very creative person with a lot of potential that I can't realize because I am stuck in this bizarre feedback loop of anxiety.
Now, I don't mean any of this to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. Like I said, this is really objective for me. These are truths that I have been thinking but haven't really put down in writing or voiced aloud. I am not sad and mopey. If anything, I am frustrated. Annoyed even. Like, I know I am capable of more, but I can't find the right combination. I know it is there though. If anything, a lot of the stuff I just said about my impressions of me really have an underlying tone of hope. I am hopeful. I believe there is a way out of the slog, I just haven't found it yet. And I believe there is a lot of potential there, I just don't know what the realization of that potential is going to look like or even when it will come into being.
This has been an extremely vulnerable and honest spilling of words onto a computer screen. I have to consider whether or not I actually want to share it in a quasi-public forum. If I do end up sharing it, then, hello, world! If I don't though, it's not because I mean to be inauthentic. I guess it's because my ego can't handle it.
