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I have no idea why the shit I am so motherfucking tired. I woke up late again this morning, but at least I am starting to feel more awake now than I did earlier in the day.
I may have completed work on the LMS management side at work this morning. I am currently taking a break and letting my brain digest what I've just done; to make sure I haven't forgotten anything.
We packed up some boxes last night and moved things over to the house. I am so excited to move in. I have a few things I need to do before I can fully move my ass into that house though. For one, some of the cabinets and drawers are kinda rough, so I need to line them. I bought some cabinet/drawer liner from Amazon that I hope is actually good and not shitty. Once I install that, I can start putting things in drawers and on shelves. I am excited about all of the DIY shit I am going to learn how to do. Even better is the fact that I am going to have the space to actually do those projects. It will be funny if it turns out that I am more handy than my husband. Not because I of some weird sexist trope, but because he has been the more handy person when it comes to apartment fixes than I have been. Home vs. Apartment living is going to be interesting.
It's funny, for years I have been stuck in a pretty miserable place. I mean, that probably isn't the most eloquent way to put it, but it is the only thing that comes to mind. My quality of life was just not very good... I don't know if I ever knew what the word "relax" actually meant without being drunk or stoned. Ever since moving to the midwest, I have found an amazing stride. I am actually achieving goals, I have found a work environment that accepts me for being the oddball I am, while also being self-care focused. My job function is actually a mix of all of the things I have loved from previous jobs that just weren't the right fit all around. I have a sincere group of friends that have accepted me quickly and without question.
My point is, I finally understand gratitude. And sure, it's probably shitty that I have started to develop a sense of what being grateful means while I have obvious things to be grateful for, but I think that's the challenge, right? I find it is easier to handle the shittier things now that I have experienced actual bullshit shittiness and then felt what it is like when things are going well. It put a lot of things into perspective.
And I am aware it is quite possible that my previous state was not the most resilient; I would think a resilient person would be able to find gratitude without having experienced stability. Or maybe that is just a normal fact of life. I think that would explain why certain things perpetuate from generation to generation (trauma, poverty, mental illness, etc.) If it's all you know, how do you develop a healthier attitude?
Sorry, I am rambling and I am not even sure if it is entirely coherent. I don't plan on re-reading what I've said either. =P
My point is that I am actually happy and I attribute this to leaving California. There was so much that contributed to my constant feelings of stress.
With that being said, I still have that restless frustration going on. But with the purchase of our home, I have this sense that I will be able to start resolving some of those feelings. Having an actual space of my own to create in feels like it will really help.
I can't fucking wait!
I may have completed work on the LMS management side at work this morning. I am currently taking a break and letting my brain digest what I've just done; to make sure I haven't forgotten anything.
We packed up some boxes last night and moved things over to the house. I am so excited to move in. I have a few things I need to do before I can fully move my ass into that house though. For one, some of the cabinets and drawers are kinda rough, so I need to line them. I bought some cabinet/drawer liner from Amazon that I hope is actually good and not shitty. Once I install that, I can start putting things in drawers and on shelves. I am excited about all of the DIY shit I am going to learn how to do. Even better is the fact that I am going to have the space to actually do those projects. It will be funny if it turns out that I am more handy than my husband. Not because I of some weird sexist trope, but because he has been the more handy person when it comes to apartment fixes than I have been. Home vs. Apartment living is going to be interesting.
It's funny, for years I have been stuck in a pretty miserable place. I mean, that probably isn't the most eloquent way to put it, but it is the only thing that comes to mind. My quality of life was just not very good... I don't know if I ever knew what the word "relax" actually meant without being drunk or stoned. Ever since moving to the midwest, I have found an amazing stride. I am actually achieving goals, I have found a work environment that accepts me for being the oddball I am, while also being self-care focused. My job function is actually a mix of all of the things I have loved from previous jobs that just weren't the right fit all around. I have a sincere group of friends that have accepted me quickly and without question.
My point is, I finally understand gratitude. And sure, it's probably shitty that I have started to develop a sense of what being grateful means while I have obvious things to be grateful for, but I think that's the challenge, right? I find it is easier to handle the shittier things now that I have experienced actual bullshit shittiness and then felt what it is like when things are going well. It put a lot of things into perspective.
And I am aware it is quite possible that my previous state was not the most resilient; I would think a resilient person would be able to find gratitude without having experienced stability. Or maybe that is just a normal fact of life. I think that would explain why certain things perpetuate from generation to generation (trauma, poverty, mental illness, etc.) If it's all you know, how do you develop a healthier attitude?
Sorry, I am rambling and I am not even sure if it is entirely coherent. I don't plan on re-reading what I've said either. =P
My point is that I am actually happy and I attribute this to leaving California. There was so much that contributed to my constant feelings of stress.
With that being said, I still have that restless frustration going on. But with the purchase of our home, I have this sense that I will be able to start resolving some of those feelings. Having an actual space of my own to create in feels like it will really help.
I can't fucking wait!
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Date: 2019-07-18 05:16 am (UTC)From: